Broken

This is broken.
And I’m tired of being the first one to run for some tape to patch things up.
I’m tired of spending time carefully trying to bring us together, when coming more rain a corner unsticks and you’re the one to lift the flap. Carelessly.

And then you see the rupture and you blame me only to then regret it and want to fix things. You utter those words and me, what do I do?

I run for more tape. This time I go for duct cause it’s proven to be stronger. And it’s as if that’s a dare for you to mess with it and see how strong it really is.

Attempt after attempt you manage to unstick the tape once more. But you swear you didn’t intend to. It was just something tempting and you tried it, but it’s not what you wanted to happen.

Upon other words and you say once more, let’s try again, please.

I’m getting tired, but I want to try. I always do. And so I grab some glue instead and dry it up. We’re both watching the process and it looks good. And we’re good until you start picking at it. Because I somehow left a little gap; unaware. And you pick at it until it comes unglued. And out of curiosity, I pick at it too. And we are left broken once more.

That’s it, I tell myself. What’s the point? What’s the use? But then you come back, begging me please and how could I leave you at a time as this? Where you need help and support? I’d be a monster if I bailed. But I don’t know what other substance to use. Besides there’s also blood that’s been shed. We have to let the body do its healing. A healing that will produce a scab. A scab that is much needed, but how much longer til you pick at it too?

A forever open wound. I don’t want that. I don’t. I just wanted us to be true and faithful and each other’s ride or die. I wanted us to support each other the way I always tried. But you, you changed. And it’s not the same. And I wonder if you picked at the broken on purpose cause you like inflicting pain?!

Inflicting pain on the one person who stood by your side come rain or sunshine. The one who didn’t bail when you hit rock bottom. The one who visited when you were away. The one who cried when you cried and the one who tried everything to see your cute smile once again. You had a loss and I shared that with you. Your pain was mine. With me by your side you weren’t alone.

I was there. I was always there.
And I tried time after time to continue.
But that’s the problem, I was the only one trying. You were the one simply saying you’d like to try. But actions speak louder than words and clichés are overused, but they’re true.

And I’m left here – broken. And sad. I want to be there for you, but you, you don’t want me there. You don’t care for me like I do you. You fail to see, I only want what’s best for you. The nagging you say is draining. It’s not nagging it’s just me not wanting a loved one to go down a path that will be hard to recover from.It’s me not wanting to see you backslide. But instead, wants you to grow to your full potential. It’s me wanting to help you and be there for you. To be there for each other.

I just wanted something mutual. Like what we had before. But mentioning that automatically has you saying, stop dwelling in the past.

Guess, I’m barely getting that through my head. Maybe I should just let the broken be broken. I can’t mend it without getting hurt. I tried. I tried, Lord, knows I tried.

But in your eyes, I’m not good enough. I have competition. Since when did one get in a relationship to compete for their partners attention?

If I had at least half the love and affection I have towards you, that be different. I would be okay to try once more. But how many more once mores will it take for you to not see me as second or third? Will it ever?

And yes, I am hurt. And I can’t even blame you entirely. I just feel it isn’t fair, but hey life isn’t fair, you’ll chime in. And that’s another cliché that is true.

But maybe if I leave you’ll finally see everything I wanted you to notice when I was with you. Sadly, it would be too late because by then who knows how my healing will go.

To be by your side and be your forever loyal friend. The one wanted in return, was my heart’s desire. But now the heart is so broken it just feels unwanted and rejected. I’m tired of fighting a fight that you never let me win. I just wanted in. But you, you shut me out. And searched for more having all this that I had in store.

So, bon voyage. I hope you don’t find what you’re looking for. Not out of spite or malice. No, but because you’re looking for things that are hurtful. Instead, I hope you find everything you lack and need. And that one true peace and joy that can only come from a living fountain.

I’m done fighting. I’m leaving this in greater hands. And although tears will still fill my eyes and sorrow will arise, I’ll just wait for what is meant to be. God, knows I wanted that so badly to be you and me. But my plans are lower than His. There’s nothing left but to get on my knees…I’ll stand taller there and I’ll find the healing and mending that no amount of my patching ever did.

And I’ll hope and pray for the Lord to show you His way.

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